2023 was such a crazy year for me, and with the things that I have experienced, learned, and endured during that time — it seems fitting to write some sort of response to it and set out some goals and plans for the upcoming year.
To start us off, here’s a little timeline of my 2023 (and evidence that I started using Canva more this year):
2023 was my first full year of being a mom, my first year of going to school with a kid, and [thus also] my first time ever truly questioning my relationship with God. I had had times in my life where my relationship with God wasn’t ideal. I had had times in my life of making choices that distanced me from God. But never before in my life had I felt as utterly alone and abandoned as I did for nearly the first year of Kate’s life. Being a mom is hard. It’s hard to be needed constantly, it’s hard to lose sleep, for me breastfeeding—something many tote as natural—was HARD, and it’s hard to need to be the one with the answers to help your child—but you often don’t have the answers. But you know who does have all the answers? God does. So I would pray. And pray. And PRAY. And many times I sat in silence wondering where God was. Wondering why I didn’t feel like I had help or assistance from this Almighty Being who is the Father of my spirit. Did God even care? Was I being punished? What was I being punished for? I learned from my experience that some of the very LAST things in the world that someone going through a faith crisis wants to hear are, “It will all work out in the end,” “God has a better plan than yours,” “Those who pray get answers,” and “The righteous will be blessed.” Because I didn’t know how it could work out in the end, my relationship with God felt irreparable. And I wasn’t getting answers, not about “my plan” nor “God’s plan,” and to my knowledge I was righteous—I wasn’t being sinful. It was a really lonely time, and it affected many avenues of my life. My relationships with others, especially my husband; my patience (or sometimes lack thereof) with my daughter; and my relationship with myself. Post-partum itself can send one reeling in their identity, self-worth, and confidence. There is a line from a play called Mum that talks about how women post-partum often feel like shattered shadows of their former selfs. OOF. Talk about a kick to the gut. But my wrestle with God exasperated all of those feelings. Or perhaps post-partum exasperated my relationship with God. Honestly, I don’t think one caused the other, I think they were doing a deadly skip, hand-in-hand, the entire time.
There were a lot of things I had to try and experience to get out of that slump; that dark pit of misery. I had certain classes (TMA 121 Voice and Diction with Morgan Gunter, for example) that helped me work through my tension, my anger, and the maze of identity before me so that I could better center myself. I had conversations with myself, with—and sometimes at—God, with my husband, and with my mom about the things I was going through. I read a few books and some poetry snippets that spoke to what I was experiencing and where I longed to be figuratively. (Physically, I wish I could be at the beach, in canyons, and at Disneyland more often. ;)) I also had classes that really pushed me and questioned why and how I do the things I do, especially within my career path. My secondary practicum experience was a journey of figuring out what things mattered to me in my teaching style and how I would connect with my students. My directing project was… a LOT. It was a versatile mix of emotions, battles, victories, and back and forth about how I thought about myself and talked to myself. There were nights that leaving rehearsal I would be brimming with happiness and smiles because I was feeling like myself again. Because I was CREATING. But there were also many times that I felt lost, useless, and terrible at “my job.” I was enjoying the work I was doing. My team was amazing and I’m grateful for all the work and laughter we accomplished together. But the structure of expectations, suggestions/feedback, stressful situations/problem-solving, and ultimately what was or wasn’t required to be the end result of the project had me spinning. Was I even good at this? Why was I pursuing this? What about this project mattered to me and why?
What choices was I going to stick to my guns about?
And ultimately, that’s what it came down to. I was directing a play that’s central theme was around choices, I was having to make a lot of choices — some difficult and some easy — but overall overwhelming just by the sheer amount of choices, and I was struggling with knowing what choices God thought was best or could help me best make. It was like my executive functioning for my agency was either overloaded or under functioning. Or both. Ironically, one of the best things you can do when your executive functioning is shutting down is to make a choice. Just one. Just start off simple. It’s okay if you don’t plan to do more, or even if you don’t do more for a while. For example, if my executive functioning is shutting down regarding various cleaning/housekeeping tasks, I pick one small thing. Run a load of laundry even if I don’t fold it yet? Check. Wash a big dish or two that won’t fit in the dishwasher even if the rest of the dishes stay in the sink for now? Check. The outcome is that you can see that you did *something* and that you care capable. So I started owning my decisions more. I’m still not perfect at it, but just like the laundry and dishes examples, I made headway even if it didn’t look great to the outside eye/others. There was a particularly large decision that had been weighing over me concerning my show. I had asked various mentors/teachers for advice, I had talked to some peers about it, I had conversed with my husband and mom about it, I had gotten a Priesthood blessing, done research, prayed on my own, and really tried to find/listen for what the answer was. It was causing me great distress. I actually had a panic attack about it. So in the midst of this struggle and my incoming realization about the choices in my life—I decided that my big choice, that my solution to this distress, was to just not do it. I was so worried about shaping my work into what others wanted it to be that I had stopped enjoying a lot of elements of the work. And in figuring out what was “me” about my show, who I was in my life now that I felt like a very different person, I decided that not forcing that decision was me. From a lifetime of being the person who had to have everything figured out and planned out, this was strange. But it was a huge relief. To me and to my creative team. Were there people who were disappointed in that choice? Sure. But that’s just kind of life. And it’s my life to take charge of. To explore. To
pursue.
So that’s my word for 2024. Pursue.
What do I want to have and be in life? I’m gonna pursue it.
What do I need to know, do, have, and be to give my daughter the best life possible? I’m going to pursue it.
What can I do to better strengthen my family, my marriage, and the spirit in my home? I’m going to pursue it.
The specifics of each will change throughout the year as my life and the world change and evolve. But I’m tired of feeling like I’m not good enough or doing enough. Maybe I haven’t been enough, but that doesn’t mean that I, inherently, am not going to be enough. No matter what other people say or think, I can be sure of myself and my decisions by knowing that I am putting in the effort to pursue what I want even with any bumps, valleys, ditches, and detours along the way.
Because I want to grow spiritually, artistically, intellectually, and individually, I have made some goals for myself for the upcoming year. I would like to…
1) Read at least one book per month.
I’ve set my Goodreads 2024 goal to 12 books, and I’ve been growing my TBR list—and checking how I can obtain the books I want to read.
2) Learn how to cross stitch.
At a minimum, I want to create what I’ve seen others call a cross stitch journal or memoir. You space out on a linen spaces for a small image or symbol for each week of the year, organized by month, and then depending on what was impactful or important to remember from that week—you stitch a little image in it’s place. When it’s complete I’ll either frame it or make a decorative pillow for it.
3) Put more artwork up around my home to make it our own personal “sanctuary”. Very much “make this house a home.” Some of this art will be created by me, and some will be from other artists. I’ve been eyeing several prints from Paige Payne Creations for a while now, as her paintings speak to me spiritually as a daughter of God and as a mother.
…and in a similar strain this third goal also includes keeping my home cleaner. Last semester was so busy and stressful that things fell through the cracks. But all the artwork in the world won’t make my countertops and floors cleaner. Which are essential, in my opinion, to feeling at peace. (Not to having worth nor necessarily to succeeding in life. But for peace.)
4) *Actually* study Come Follow Me *each week*.
Even if I don’t complete a whole lesson in one week. Because something is better than nothing. I don’t always like this last type of goal, even though I find myself frequently making them, because it can be hard to quantify or qualify a spiritual goal—and often we can feel inadequate if we struggle to fulfill such goals. But for me, focusing on the theme of pursuing is what helps me center this goal in a way that actually matters. It doesn’t matter if I learn the same things as everyone else or if I read all of the scriptures suggested for each week’s lesson. To me it matters that I will be pursuing progress, pursuing information, and pursuing ways to strengthen my spirituality and my relationship with God and Jesus Christ.
These goals all help me to pursue because I will be pursuing new skills, personal time for rejuvenation, artistic themes and ideas, and a better environment for pursuing my spirituality, intellect, artistic voice, and my individuality/identity.
I even made a Canva visual/handout, because who doesn’t love a cute visual reminder of positive things being sought after? ;)
So here’s to a year of possibilities.
Cheers!
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